Comments that Cancel Connection with Autistic People

Grinding my Gears Right Now: 5 Things to NOT SAY to Autistic People

I was at my child’s Speech Therapy Session recently and she (our wonderful Therapist who I am forever indebted to) asked me a question about my child identifying or not as being Autistic, and it triggered me.  It triggered me because whilst society has come a long way with neurodiversity, there’s still a way to go. 

Whilst my child knows about the diagnosis, he doesn’t spruik it because he gets told (and I’ve witnessed) such comments as “he bright, he can’t be autistic”, or “but he can look at me when he talks to me”.  Depending on the situation / how much capacity I have to engage, sometimes I educate and bring awareness and sometimes I just let it go.

Engaging in thoughtful and respectful conversations is an imperative aspect of fostering understanding and empathy. When interacting with autistic individuals, it's crucial to be mindful of the impact our words can have. Here are five things that grind my gears and do not foster connection with people with autism.

"You don't look autistic"

Yep, I’ve had this one.  I’ve had it about myself, and I’ve had it about my children.  I’ve even had it from family members who mean well.  Autism, just like ADHD doesn’t care if you have brown hair and you’re American, or you’re a blonde Australian.  The thing is, I have taught myself skills to fit into a neurotypical world, so that I don’t “look autistic”.

Autism is a spectrum, and its manifestations vary widely among individuals. Avoid making assumptions based on appearances. This statement can be dismissive and overlooks the diversity of experiences within the autistic community. Instead, focus on acknowledging and respecting the unique qualities of each person – isn’t this like what we do for neurotypicals?!

 "You must be high-functioning (or low-functioning)"

I have been told “you must be high-functioning” because, for example, I have capacity to manage multiple responsibilities in a detailed and efficient way.  It’s just a strength.  It’s not anything fancy.  Everyone has strengths.  I don’t think of someone who is performing at a high level of dancing as an incredible dancer as “high functioning” - I just think they have an incredible strength in dancing.  Why do we need a further label?  Whilst people may think it’s a compliment to say I’m high-functioning, depending on the day and how confident I feel in a neurotypical world, it can just add expectation and pressure to manage.  This is then usually followed up with “you don’t look autistic”.  Sigh.

Labelling someone as high or low functioning oversimplifies the complexities of autism. Every individual (neurotypical or not) has a distinct set of strengths and challenges. It's more constructive to recognise and appreciate the diversity of abilities within the spectrum without resorting to broad labels that may not fully capture the person's experience.

“Really though, aren’t we all on the spectrum?!”

No actually, everyone is not “on the spectrum”. Deep breaths Alison.  While it's common to draw parallels between shared human experiences, equating everyday struggles with the challenges faced by autistic individuals minimises the unique nature of their neurodivergent perspective. Rather than downplaying their experiences, strive to understand and validate their feelings and watch your connection deepen!

"Try harder to be like everyone else"

This one stings.  This one hurts me the most, especially when it’s said about my children.  Do you think he wants to feel like the noise of assembly is too much, do you think he wants to have awkward conversations with other children?  OF COURSE NOT!  He sees these things not bothering other people and he too wants to be like that, but unfortunately “trying harder” doesn’t HELP and neither does your comment.

Encouraging an autistic person to mask or suppress their authentic self is dismissive and can be detrimental. Instead of promoting conformity to neurotypical standards, embrace and appreciate the individual's neurodivergent traits.  Again, focusing on the positives, focusing on the value of the individual and fostering acceptance allows for a more inclusive and understanding environment.

"You're just using autism as an excuse"

I’ve been on the receiving end of this one when my child was having a meltdown, which the well-meaning person (also a relative) labelled a “tantrum”.  Generally, in this instance my capacity to bring awareness is at ground zero so I usually let those comments go through to the keeper, but if I’m being honest, rarely, but I have been known to do it, I let fly at the person.

Dismissing challenges as mere excuses can be hurtful and are absolutely invalidating. It's essential to recognise that autism can present genuine difficulties in various aspects of life, such as, an autistic child in sensory overwhelm at Woolies because the trolley squeaking of the person beside us sent him over the edge. Instead of making assumptions, engage in open communication (unless of course the parent/caregiver is at capacity!), and seek to understand the individual's unique perspective and needs, not dismiss them.

I would guess, and it’s a guess, EVERY autistic person has experienced at least one of the above comments from well-meaning people.  Creating a more inclusive and compassionate world starts with the way we communicate. By being aware of the impact our words can have on autistic individuals, we contribute to a more understanding and supportive community. Embrace neurodiversity, listen with empathy, and foster connections that celebrate the richness of individual experiences. It's through respectful dialogue that we can break down barriers and build a more inclusive society for everyone.  And for goodness sake, don’t say any of the above comments, period.

Much love,

Alison xx